A Passing

This Saturday marks the one year passing of a friend and coworker's death. He committed suicide. I'm not really sure how he did it, I'm not even sure if it matters. I know that sometimes I wonder because I guess I wonder if it will somehow help me to understand why he did it.

He was recently married. Seriously. He had been married what, 12 days?? 12 days. They had gone on a holiday for a week and then returned to work on the Monday. By Thursday he was in our boss' office telling him he was stressed out, he couldn't handle what was going on. Which, was understandable. We were all stressed. I mean, we were preparing to host thousands of athletes from around the work in less than two months. We had way too small a budget, not enough staff, and were trying to make miracles happen. But where some people thrive on this sort of stress, others falter. I guess he faltered.

Our boss assured him we would assign help to him. He wasn't sure how it would be done but that he would make sure it happened. Of course, this wasn't about the job. We gather it was about his entire life because generally these things are not only about one stressful piece in the puzzle of life but rather a perfect storm of multiple things. Perhaps this was the straw that broke the camels back, but perhaps there were thigns we didn't really know about. To be honest, we were "just his coworkers" so it's not like we ended up getting answers to questions we so desperately needed answers to. It was and still is awful.

I use quotations around "just his coworkers" because as any one working an event knows, working as part of such a close knit team on something so huge means really becoming a family. So while maybe his flesh and blood family didn't understand how close we all were, we definitely were close. I spent a lot of my time speaking with this friend, getting to know him and understand him. Sure, he drove me absolutely bonkers at times but he was still a part of my work family and I understand where he came from.

Anyway, our boss sent him home to try to relax. Told him we'd work it out. Less than 24 hours later he went missing never to be seen alive again.

Searches were organized, tearful pleas were made. In early July a body was found in an area where we thought he may have gone. We weren't told about this at the time. It was the Sunday before our massive event started that we found out for sure that he had killed himself. I received an email from a family member. I was sitting at a stoplight at an intersection when it came through. It was a long light so I started reading it realizing that the sender was a family member of his. I was very fortunate in that I was less than five minutes away from the office (yes it was Sunday but realize we were a week away from things really getting going). (To clarify, the event was to start in just under two weeks but realize that an event unofficially starts a week earlier.)

I managed to get myself to the office with tears streaming down my cheeks. There were only a couple people in the office when I got there which was a relief. And those people had already heard. I went to my desk and cried. I was grateful to know the outcome but just couldn't believe that this was happening. That someone so full of life was gone. That he couldn't handle whatever struggles he was facing even though he fully seemed on the outside to be someone who could handle anything and everything life threw at him. He was newly married for goodness sake!

It's been nearly a year and I still haven't fully come to terms with it. 90% of the time I'm fine. But when I think about it I just can't understand. I've grieved the death of a loved one before but always a death where it was easy to reconcile in your head. Older relatives, individuals with a degenerative illness that was terminal etc. Never someone so young and so....well, not sick. Not sick in a way that can be diagnosed with concrete tests. No, depression and all mental illnesses are much different than that. And it's hard to really reconcile that. I feel anger, sadness, disbelief, confused, and a whole myriad of other feelings. The grief process, as I have found, is completely different when someone commits suicide. When someone chooses to end their own life. And my feelings are felt all at once, just to add to the confusion. And I don't think it needs to be explained but none of these emotions is straight forward on its own either. The anger is anger towards him, towards myself, towards a system and society that fails men more often than woman (boys don't cry afterall....), anger towards him for doing this to his family, his work family, his brand new wife. Sadness that he didn't think we could help, sadness that his wife lost her husband so soon, sadness that his parents had to bury their son, disbelief that he isn't here, that I know someone who was hurting this bad, that he left us all, confused that this has all happened, that he couldn't find his way out. I could go on and on.

We found out after his death was confirmed that he had left a note. I still don't know what the note said, I know nothing. I wonder if that would even make a difference. Probably not. I would probably be just as confused as ever.

What I do know is that this weekend I will be mourning the loss of such a great individual. I will be praying in my own way that this won't happen every again and that we can find a better way to reach out to individuals who are feeling this way and help them find their way out of it. And I will be praying that I NEVER know another person who feels so lost, so confused, that they don't feel they can reach out to me or anyone else for help.

This weekend, I will be taking time to reflect on all that has happened and try to find a way to make a difference.

I started my new job about two weeks ago. It's been pretty interesting thus far. I've learned some things and I've contributed so that's nice. I'm currently on my second trip in less than two weeks but I don't think I'll have to travel again for awhile. I've been driving a lovely Niss@n @ltim@ which is actually pretty. I'm a G*M girl so I haven't really driven many other types of cars but this one has definitely been pretty awesome. I can say that it is definitely a car that is comfortable on a road trip since I drove it 3.5 hours yesterday and again today.

Last week's trip involved spending a day and a half with my new boss (she lives in a different city) and it was really interesting to get to know her. She also came out to Winnipeg at the beginning of the week and that was great too. She has so much knowledge that I can't wait to see what I can learn from her. Anyway, it was really great to learn that they had interviewed 6 people and that I was head and shoulders above the other candidates. I searched for so long to find the right position for me so to hear that definitely was an ego boost. Some of the other candidates had better resumes than me (better in terms of previous experience not in terms of how well it was written) but just turned out to fall flat I guess when they actually came in to interview. Apparently by the end of the day they knew they were going to hire me. YAY!!!

Ego boosts are so much fun!

Life of Leisure comes to an end

I start my new job tomorrow. That's right. I gots me a job!

I'll be working in a fundraising type role that involves working with special events (hence the attraction). It's a bit different than the events that I've worked for the last few years but I think that it is the right direction for me to go career-wise. There are definitely more opportunities to do this type of work (although, it is still a relatively small field though) so I'm super excited to be starting down this road.

BTW, road trip went well!! We had some hiccups, some pretty big hiccups but for us it was nothing. We just rolled with the punches which is kind of how we roll everywhere else so why wouldn't a road trip be the same I suppose!

I am not good at making up names for posts

Just some quick updates:

1. I have broken out with 4 pimples in a lovely crimson shade. Booooo!!!

2. I have a couple interviews this week. One which I am hopeful for, but am trying to not get toooooo excited about. (I actually think I have a good shot at both BUT one is out of town, not so good)

3. I am going on a road trip this weekend with my lovely boy. There will be two full days of driving by the end of it so that should be interesting! We've never fought so hopefully we don't start (not that we actively avoid fights, we usually agree on things OR if we don't have the same opinion/view point we listen to each other instead of turning it into a fight. I've only really felt mildly annoyed a couple times but for things that haven't happened again so I'm happy about that!)

4. I hope he likes my friend that we're visiting. We're visiting with her, her husband, and their baby. It should be fun. I can't imagine why it wouldn't be. He agreed to go and without me having to convince him or make too many pouty faces (haha). But I still can't help but feel a wee bit nervous. I think that's normal though.

BUSY!

I feel so out of touch with the blog world right now. I am severely behind in my readings and since I added a whole slew of blogs over the last 4 weeks I am more behind than ever before! I hope to rectify that over the next couple of days.

You see, the problem is that I have a life I guess. But not even that really. I generally read blogs before I go to sleep. This usually means about an hour of reading. Which would probably be enough to keep up to date. But then 2-3 nights a week I spend out in the country where my boyfriend lives. And he has dial up. So there is no going on the internet before bed. Which is fine, because I have HIM before bed. But it does mean falling behind. And I'm a bit sad about that. I don't even work right now so when I start working, I guess I'll fall behind even more? That's hard to say for sure simply because I pretty much am working full time right now. Full time looking for a job!

Hopefully my next post is more entertaining.

Job Search Update!

Last week was definitely a rough week for me professionally. I felt pretty defeated and that's not a great feeling. This week, already, things seem to be going better!!

Last week I found out I didn't get a job that I really truly wanted. I felt pretty down about it but while I was down about it I did some things that I think were pretty important.

1. I signed up for a job search workshop available through Employment M@nitoba. It started today. Not sure how much I'll learn but if I even learn 1 thing that I can do better in my search then I think this will be helpful. I don't have a job so it's not like spending a few days there can hurt. Gets me out and about a bit more so there's a bonus too!

2. I sent out some of what I call "cold emails" kind of like cold calls, but in email form. I sent them to places I'd be interested in working for. I sent out only a few of these and guess what, 2 have already contacted me to meet with me. They don't have jobs available right now but it's still good to meet with them because they could in the future or they may know people that are looking and pass on my name. YAY! They say it's not what you know, it's who you know and that is 100% true. Even more so in my industry.

3. I sent an email to an organization I like about doing some volunteer work for them. It would be good for them and good for me. And they wrote back very interested in having me volunteer with them (that wasn't really a surprise I suppose) but also asking if I'd like to apply for a position that they have open right now!!! I have been on all the job boards and have not seen this job posted anywhere but maybe they only posted it today. Who knows! But it's nice that they are asking me if I'd be interested in applying! Doesn't guarantee me an interview but still! It makes me feel good about myself that they even asked me!!!

4. I met some cool people today at day 1 of workshops. They are all so nice and friendly. None of them are on a similar career path to me but honestly, it's like 15 or 20 people in a room and there are about 15 to 20 career paths going on. Very diverse group of people. It'll be interested to see what I can learn from them. And to see what will be refreshed in my memory!

5. I'm going to a To@stmasters group tonight. I'm just going to check them out. See if they are the right group for me (ie: to see if I'm comfortable) and I'll go from there. I'd like to work on my public speaking skills and from what I hear, this is THE way to do it. So here's hoping.

6. I think I had other things that are exciting but I can't think of them right now. Oh well!!

Winter is on it's way out here in the Peg and that's a good good thing. I feel like with Spring will come some great opportunities and I'm feeling really good about it all. (Hopefully I'm not sitting here typing the same thing about summer! haha oi!)

"He's not the type"

Ahh! I hate hearing that. I hate hearing that a man has cheated on his wife (or partner) and then to follow it up, I hate hearing that it was not expected. That no one would have ever seen it coming. I just, it's not that I don't BELIEVE the people saying it. I'm sure they 100% believe what they are saying. That's not why I hate it. I hate it because if they are right, if you NEVER would have predicted he would do something like that then ack! That terrifies me for my future.

I do not sit around worried that someone will cheat on me. I really don't. But when I hear that it's happened to someone it just rips me up inside. I feel awful for them, for everyone affected. I ponder how I'd feel and I just. ugh. Knowing that I would never marry "the type" who would cheat. I know I'd be marrying the "he's not the type" guy so of course, there must always be a chance.

I know what my thoughts are on men who cheat. I have a pretty good idea of how I'd feel if I was cheated on (ripped into pieces). I am pretty sure that I wouldn't tolerate it though even though it hurts to walk away. But, who knows really? You can't say for sure until you're in that position. But removing from the picture the whole What I'd do part (rip his testicles off maybe?), leave or stay, and taking out what I think about cheaters and why they cheat and all that. Stripping it down to just how I'd feel. I have a pretty good idea as to how torn up I'd feel. How distraught. How hurt and angry and broken I'd feel. And so it scares me to think that someone I love could potentially cheat on me and then we'd all be looking back on it going "He's just not the type".